Oven mits are burnt

You’ve fucked about with my head. Over and over, I still care about you; all you do is rip my heart apart over and over. I don’t know if I can fall for you anymore. Love isn’t something you can play around with. I will always love you; I will always care about you. I just can’t be hurt by you anymore. MY heart is just being put back together; I can’t take you shredding it apart again. I’ll be here for your shoulder to cry on, just don’t make me cry, I’ll be out the door faster then tears can run down my face. Maybe one day the tears will stop running down my face and we can be happy.

Strength to carry on

You hold strength in your heart more powerful then any strength some one can offer you. You've helped more people then you would ever know. I wish you could always be my shoulder to cry on. You have offered me so much. You have been my candle shining bright in my darkest hours. I wish I could be your guiding candle. I'm afraid for you I may not know the way and we might stand in the dark with one lonesome light shining on our faces, with shimers reflecting off my tears. I am hoping for you. I am scared for you. I am crying for you. I am praying for you. I am afraid for you. I am strong for you. I will do all and everything I can for you. Even if its nothing at all. You are my amazing Brent and you are my hero.

Falling

No matter what he says, you have my heart. No matter what I care about you. I want to be with you. He my place doubts in my head, I just have to remember your not like that piece of shit. You hold my broken heart in your hands. Slowly you have been putting it back together. Slowly I will start to fall for you. Just please don't rush me. My heart needs to fix before that. You truly are the thread sewing my heart back together. I once liked you now I've very much inlike with you. You make me smile, you make me dream, you are my savor. You are a sunny day after a long thunderstorm. I'm done having the rain dance and beat down on my heart. You are my smile and for that I thank you. For that I'm falling for you.

Just a dream

Placing doubts in my head, playing your same old mind games. I know your playing them yet I cant stop listening to every lie you say. I wish I could say well I'm done with it but the truth is, I'm not, I'll sit day after day and listen, think and wish I could forget. You've placed fear in my happy heart once more. I cant take this pain. I want to be rid of you, I will try with all my heart. Slowly I will cut you off, slowly I will stop listening, slowly you will become just a dream that I will forget.

Lucky or Unlucky

Why is it always, Your so lucky to have someone like him? Why do I always have to be the strong one with all the answers? I never hear How man your so lucky to have some as amazing as her. She's so strong, she's honest, she's real. No its always I'm the lucky one because I've gone out with all the fuck ups, the cheaters, the abusive, the forceful and now I have a nice guy like you. Its not like I wanted to be unlucky its not like I wanted to be abused, broken and raped. But no I'm the lucky one, I don't know about you but I don't call that lucky. Why can't I be weak and cry and have no answers why shit happens, because I don't know why shit happens. Maybe it happens to make you stronger. In that case ya I'm strong, Hell I'm heman if that makes you strong, and I'm lady luck if that means I'm lucky. For once I want some one to say your so lucky to have her, she's strong and will put you in your place but still love you like there's no tomorrow. I have no answers for you. I have no answers for me. If I every find out gods plan I'll be sure to photocopy it and let the world know how to solve there own problems then I'll be nothing more then a weak unlucky girl with no answers. I'm not lucky, I'm far from it, I just deal with what I have. I say make your own luck and fuck what others think. If I'm lucky to have some one like you then I'm lucky, but your sure as hell lucky to have some one like me, tainted and rough around the edges but real and bold and not scared to scream fuck you.

I fear

Am I now undesirable, has my worst fear come true. I only want to be desired by you, at this point in time I feel disposable to you. As strong as I think I am, I wish I could sit in front of you at this very moment and cry. I want you to look at me and see the shy but loud, scared but fearless girl you saw when you first asked me out, I'm still that girl, Maybe now a little more shy and I little less fearless. I fear I am forever tainted, that I am forever undesired by you.I fear I am no longer strongh, I fear, I fear I will stop caring. I am still only yours untill you say you don't love me and don't want to be with me I will be yours. I will always be your sweetie till you tell me I'm not. Your the best I've had, You good to me and I need something good right now, andI want you to be that something. I feel safe around you. I feel I can be honest, I can be true I can be me when your around. All I want is to be me with you by my side. I don't know if this is a test for us to challange, My first test to challange was to be with you, a man that would treat me like a lady. I'm still takeign that test. Is god testing my strenght to hold on, is god testing are stenght to stay together. I know I've been the one with the fuck ups, but I am a fuck up. The innocent and the guilty get traped in my path. I'm sorry you had to be one of the innocent to be caught up in my fuck ups.

Tainted body, tainted dream

At night when I close me eyes, I see his face. I shiver in fear, my eyes cry unjust tears. I hold my penguin a little closer, a little tighter. With every little noise I hear outside makes me scared. I hear a door open I jump up and look to see if a nightmare is about to walk threw my door. My bed a place that once offered me comfort from my fears is now a place I hate to lie. Fear was installed in my place of refuge. Its now distorted. I am now vulnerable. Nightmares I cant wake up from. A night mare that wont go away. My everyday is a nightmare. My every dream is tainted just like me.

My prison

My prison doesn't have walls. No bars, No guards, No locks. My prison is my head. No matter how far I run I can't run far enough. My prison has made me weak. To weak to move. I'm stuck here in my bed hugging my teddy bear, puffing on a cigarette. Light head. I've finally fallen apart its only taken me two days. Tears stream down my face. I'm weak, I'm useless, I'm undesired. No emotions left to feel. No warmth from hugs of ones I love, I've become a robot. A scared robot. I've started to give into my addictions. My prison is taking control. Slowly I have no feeling left. I am a lifeless zombie walking around with a fake smile and a fake laugh just so no ones finds out my new secret. I've become so weak, staring down a razor. Do I do it. Theses vanes in my wrists look willing to bleed. Blood brought me comfort once, it could do it again. I sit here eyeing all my addictions. How weak will I get. Smoking is one thing bleeding is something total deferment. Walls, bars, and guards look better then my hell hole. I'm ready to give in to every addiction. Is the pen really mightier then the sword. Writing is my release, but cant it release this much pain this much anger this much hate. No matter how much I write how much I cry nothing can wash this pain away, This knife dances so nicely across me wrists.