When The Ink Runs Dry All Is Lost

Monday, January 30, 2006

Crazy nights

Guys get strong I cant find my feet, things that happen some nights should stay there and never leave, What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but right now I am weak, I am powerless, I am nothing. Crazy drunken nights, only blurs to remember, and only a blur in my nightmares you will be.

Dream

To sit here and dream, I don't dream when I sleep, so I sit awake and day dream about what life is to bring. Will it bring smiles and joy or will it bring blood shed and tears. I dream of all the things that could have happened if I walked threw door one rather then door two, I wonder what would have happened if I took the time to unlock a few doors rather then take the easy way out. Option A or option B, take a chance knowing that witch one you choice can change you life forever and the other choice could have made it better. So I sit here dreaming, what would have happened if I picked him over you. Would I be happier, Or would my eye create tears and my arms create bruises, and my heart create cracks hoping I wouldn't have stayed with you rather then choose him. What looks like the better choice may not be what it seems, just because I man looks like he's good to everyone doesn't mean he is. Should I blame my dreams and my broken heart on myself, I'm I to blame for the pain I feel. Please take my pain away. I have to live with my choices yes but does it have to hurt this much. Can I not be happy with what I choose instead of feel guilty for what I didn't choose. I choose not to cut him out of my life but I live in pain for all the little things he does. But If I cut him out I would feel more pain then all the little things he does to Me. You on the other hand you hold my broken little heart in your big strong hand, I dream of your arms holding me tight, I dream of being with you, I'm happy with you. No one has had me this happy in a long time thank you for smileing in my dreams and bring a smile to my face, with you I am happy and I will stay with you till I'm no longer happy, I hope that day never comes but days continue on and I'm not one to dream to far ahead.

Friday, January 27, 2006

Your a man I want

My heart torn in two pieces, one half belongs to you the other to him. You have done nothing but be good to me, you have treated me like a girl when no one else have. He has treated me like a dirty rag and thrown me away, he used me to wipe up his blood, that's it. I'm glad you decided to keep me around, You feel a lot stronger for me then I feel for you, but I hope one day my heart will be whole again and I can love you like I've never loved before. My heart has constantly been broken and cracked beyond repair, maybe with your love my heart will grow strong and whole again. I've used that blood soaked rag to wipe away my tears. I hope your the man I think you are, for he is nothing but a man I dont want.
thank you for understanding, thank you for more then you will ever know
thank you kevin

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Good night and so long

You say you cant date me because you don't want to break our friendship, yet you put me in this place. Between you and my new beau, You kiss me and expect me not to fall, you use me as a scape goat and expect me not to be mad. Now I'm left in this place, do I tell my new beau or do I lie to him and live in guilt. If I tell my new beau he'll break my heart, then again I've already broke his by kissing you back. I sit here with a smoke in my mouth thinkign on what to do, I hope you know you've broken our friendship. You left me so broken to night. Now I have to tell my new beau and have him break up with me, you've brought tears to my eyes. So thank you, I'm sure I'll cry myslef to sleep.
So good night and so long

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Some days I wish

Some days you make me wish, you make me wish we could have had more. I know theres no point for we will never have more then what we have now. A friendship nothing more nothing less. You make me wish, yet I sit here holding hands with a man I like with I man I am dating. I wish I could put these feelings behind me. Maybe one day I will no loger wish I will no longer dream of beign with you, but since you are only a dream I will stay where I am, I will enjoy what I have. I will love you in my dream, I will miss you in my dreams, but I will not live in my dreams anymore.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Door one, two or three

I’m just a girl standing in a doorway, looking forward, I could look back but it’s a waste of time. I’ve loved one man in my life; I’ve loved him for three years. He will always be there for me. I’m dating a boy, he’s sweet, he’s kind he’s something like I’ve never seen before. I’m a girl who loves her family, I’m a girl who loves her friends, and I’ll protect them till the day I die. As my friend once told me my friends are my candles, they will guide me threw the dark times, so never forget your candles they will burn bright for you in your darkest times. My heart has grown weak over the years. I am incapable to cut people off, you can break my heart and I still won’t hate you, If you where my friend once you will always be my friend, The only way you can lose my friendship is if you lose my respect you lose my trust. I’m just a girl, looking forward on what life has to offer, that’s right a girl, I may be surrounded by guys, I may only have a few chick friends but I’m still a girl, I ‘m still a fragile girl. I act tough, I act mean, but don’t let that fool you I can be mean, I can be tough. I’m short, so I make up for that by being loud, I’m quite when I’m thinking, when I’m writing or when I’m sleeping. I like to drink, I drink with guys, girls are to emotional, even though I have had about 3 guys tell me they love me when they are drunk, I cant drink with certain people. I’m a quitter; I’ve quit smoking and weed. Most of the time I wish I hadn’t quit. I enjoyed smoking but seeing my dad rot away from smoking convinced me to quit for my future. I loved being stoned it made me smile when I was sad even though it was a fake smile. I’ve tried to mess myself up just because I was bored, just because my life wasn’t going my way. I’m done with that. I’ve switched my life around many times, this time I want to change my life, I want to because a wild child that knows when to stop, knows when to draw the line. My world spins, I’m standing here in this doorway, should I walk threw or pick another door to go threw and live threw.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Teddy bear

Only a short time I've known you but you have given me the best adivce ever, you have helped me threw so much, and now somethingbig, something that could take your life has come up and no matter how much I tell you it will be ok it doesnt change anytihng, It doesnt make your sickness go away. Just please remember your candles, let them guide you. I wish you could know how much you have helped me, I hope you never go away, You are my teddy bear, I love you. I know you are strong... and I'm sure you can fight this

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

I'm I found

Looking In the mirror, What can I change this time.
My hairs been from blonde to black, I've done the goth thing
I've done the pritty girl thing, I've done it all
What is left for me to try, What is me
I'm I want I've tryed. Or I'm I not found yet
I guess thats for no one to know includign me

Saturday, January 07, 2006

I'm sorry mom

Trying to be perfect, trying so hard to be like my perfect older sister just so you will love me. I can't be her, I may have her room now, but she is amazing, she is clean she's helpful, she's everything I'm not. She is perfect. Like you say she's the only one that loves you, Its hard to compete with something like that. You won't ever let me love you, you say when your old and wrinkly. She is your perfect child I'm nothing but a fuck up in your eyes. I've constantly competed against her but now I'm tired of knowing I'm going to fail. I give up. I'll be your fuck up. I'll be the reason dad had to stay a teacher, I'll stay the you had to sell dads favorite jeep. I'll forever be your "oh shit I'm pregnant " I've done it all. Everything she wouldn't dare to do at my age. I have done. I'm nothing more then a fuck up in your eyes. The youngest, the rebel, the one not scare to piss you off, not scared to scream right back. I'm sorry I couldn't be the angel. I could be the perfect one, you say I'm to tough for my own good yet I still sit here crying. I haven't been your little girl but I'll never be your little girl your little girl was Christine. Mom I'm sorry I couldn't be perfect, I'm sorry I don't shine in your eyes like she does. But I'm not Christine I am me so please love me for me for who I am, for who you have raised me to be, I may not be your perfect little girl, but I'm what you have raised me to be, I am strong I wont let anyone push me around. I am independent, If I could be your little girl I would, but sorry I can't, Christine is, I am your little warrior.